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Blowin' in the Wind, Issue #020 Weather jokes this summer - July 4, 2005
July 05, 2005

A few weather jokes.

And now for something completely different. Environmental and weather jokes. Did you hear about the meteorologist who tried to be funny? Neither have I, but I'm gonna give it a shot. I got most of these from the internet.

Insanity test laugh

These, apparently, are actual answers given to test questions.

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

"In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O."

"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"Clouds are highflying fogs."

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Short Funny Jokes

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!

Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.

1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

How is snow white? -Pretty good, according to the 7 dwarfs

Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.

I am told that the Inuit have some sixty words for snow...for different kinds of snow. That doesn't surprise me; they see a lot of it. I live considerably south of the tree line, but even I have seventeen words for snow — none of them usable in public. ARTHUR BLACK

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. CLYDE MOORE

So much for that forecast, I just finished shoveling four inches of "Partly Cloudy" off my sidewalks.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. GEORGE CARLIN

***** Native Winter It was October and the Natives on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." *****

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the. . ." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."

ONE cold autumn night, we sat comfortable and warm in our living room listening to the weather report. My brother dreamily asked, "I wonder what the temperature is in Florida?" I added, "I wonder what it is in Hawaii!" My grandfather grumpily asked, "I wonder what it is in Fahrenheit!"

HAVING always lived in Toronto, my sister was puzzled by this weather forecast she heard on the radio soon after moving to the West Coast: "Rain in the morning turning to showers in the afternoon."

DURING a blizzard I was crawling along in a line of cars on the local highway. Visibility was limited to a few meters, and I rolled my window down to see what was delaying us.

Ahead, a police car with a flashing light was pulled up beside two cars with crumpled bumpers locked. Before them stood a rugged young policeman in shirt sleeves, efficiently signaling us around the wreck with a red flashlight. As I drew near, the window of a car going the opposite way rolled down, and a middle-aged woman thrust out her head.

"Jo-Jo! Put on your jacket!" she commanded.

The young officer winced.

"Aw, Mom!" he protested. But seeing the determined set of her mouth, he reluctantly reached into his patrol car and drew out his trooper's jacket.

IN EARLY spring, while still experiencing unusually severe winter weather, I went to the grocery store for my weekly shopping. On my way home I noticed a number of drivers slow down to read a sign on a service station billboard. In bold black letters on a bright yellow background were the words, THINK SPRING. I chuckled as I skidded and slid along the road home.

Two weeks later, the forecast was still gloomy - snow, and more snow. While driving by the same service station, I noticed one word had been added to the sign. It now read: THINK SPRING - HARDER.

I HAD just moved north and was feeling apprehensive about the severity of the winters in my new home. My anxious queries about the weather brought this reply from a native: "Ma'am, we have four seasons here - early winter, midwinter, late winter and next winter."

THE city was submerged in a torrential rain. After work, I boarded a bus for home and was listening only vaguely as the driver bellowed each of the street stops. However, as we approached my street, transformed into a small lake by an ineffective drainage system, he pulled me from my reverie by singing out, "All ashore who's going ashore."

ON CABLE TV, they have a weather channel – 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window. DAN SPENCER

Twisted Humor

Farmer Brown: "Did you lose much in that last tornado?"

Farmer Jones: "Lost the henhouse and all the chickens. But that's OK 'cause I ended up with three new cows and a pick-up truck."

and finally...

Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they’d ever experienced. “Out here in California,” said one, “I’ve seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwood trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over.”

“That’s nothing,” said the farmer from Iowa. “Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times.” JOE LAURIE, JR.

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